ART 244: MEME

This was completed as a class assignment for my final exam in Art 244: Photoshop for the Artist. I usually stay away from the politics of military life – in part because it hits very close to home, but also because there’s not a darned thing I can do about it. But for my final exam I came up with this idea – the juxtaposition of two very different, but meaningful images.

In other news… now that my semester has wound down, the symphony is over, and I’ve finished up with my final photo shoots of the year, hopefully I’ll have more time for writing and sharing bits of my life. That’s the hope, anyway. I hope that wherever you are, you are happy, healthy, and well. Thanks as always for stopping by.

Cheers!

 

“It’s been one week !”

For those of you old enough to know the song by BNL – good on you! Great band, hilarious lyrics, and I’ve had a not-so-secret yearning to see them live for years. One of these days, I keep telling myself – one of these days.

Well – the Yank has been gone a full week now. I keep going back and forth – it’s either the s-l-o-w-e-s-t week of my life, or one of the fastest. I’m going to be optimistic and say fastest. Towards the end of deployments, well, that’s when time slows down and seemingly stands still. Sort of like running through honey – or at least I would imagine running through honey to feel like. For now – I’ll keep up with the optimistic bit and say it’s going by.

But it’s hard. I think about him every day. I miss and love him so much.

Still funny – even though we’re both blue.

In the mean time… I’ve tried to stay busy and do stuff that I enjoy before my fall work schedule swings into action. On the positive end of things, I’ve been able to see a few different friends (I love my friends – they are awesome! And mean the world to me!) and hang out, went hiking and bagged a few of SoCal’s highest peaks (Gogronio, Jepson, and Dobbs – hooray! The descent from Dobbs ridge…? Eh – not so much. 3,300+ feet lost in 1.7 trail-less miles… OUCH. My feet felt better after Ironman), cleaned bits of the house, spent a day at Department of Animal services photographing super cute, friendly, and in-need-of-a-great-home adoptable kitties, researched craft-brewing places to visit with N when he returns, dealt with paperwork and hr stuff for my job at MiraCosta (yea!), edited a shit-tonne of photos from our Pacific NW vacation, planned a few more trips, and attended one Killer Kore class at my gym.

Let me tell you – I can hike endless miles through all different types of terrain. But a 25-minute ab class just about killed me. Seriously. I will abstain from laughter for the next 24 hours because it just hurts too damn much.

And of course – there have been a few bad moments, too. The fire alarm at 3:30 am the day after N left – not so fun. Loosing temporarily not having possession of our mail key was also NOT super fun. And I probably won’t eat another Peanut Butter M&M for a long LONG LONG time after devouring an entire bag the night N left. It was fugly.

So.. there you have it.

And when I get really sad and miss my best friend, I just think about ALL the $$$ that we’re saving by not making weekly forays to Pizza Port or any other craft-beery-type place.

*Sigh*

It would still be better if he were here.

But this is the life we lead…. this is where it’s at. I’m very proud of N – it takes a lot to do what he and so many of our military are doing.

This weekend I get to enjoy book club, am filming a wedding with Classic Filmworks, and hiking some steep trail on San Jacinto with a great hiking partner. Fun!

Love it while you live it – and hug your family and friends extra tight. You don’t know how lucky you are. GOOD LUCK to everyone racing this weekend!

PS – And avoid Peanut Butter M&Ms and Killer Kore classes, if at all possible.

I found it!!! SoCal’s high point at 11,502 !

Top of Gorgonio – happy!

More important than mountains….Lovey kitties – waiting for a loving home.

I loved this guy…please help and adopt animals from shelters!

GOING, Going, gone….

And just like that – *poof* – he’s gone.

It’s very surreal, and hard to put into words. Like… what the hell just happened? And OH MY GAWD – seven plus months is a helluva long fucking time.

BUT.

But.

There you go.

After dropping him off at the squadron, kissing him good-bye with several “I love you!’s” and finally a farewell “see ya later!” as he boarded the bus- I drove to and spent 90 painful minutes at Whole Foods. Seriously, it was awful. I kept thinking – I should eat something or get totally wasted… but I have NO idea what to eat and waking feeling ill the day after N deploys is never fun (speaking from experience… this IS our 4th rodeo). So…. after thoroughly walking through the store, talking tearfully to my parents, more browsing, occasionally bursting into tears, and finally making my selection (peach salsa + bottle of wine + 2 bottles of soda water + 1 sushi tray) – I realized that I was eating WAY too healthy given the circumstances, and stopped to pick up Peanut Butter M&Ms at Ralph’s before heading home.

Because if it’s one thing I’ve learned – burying my head in a bag of Peanut M&Ms while watching a movie and sipping wine can cure a lot. 

But if it’s another thing I’ve learned – is that tomorrow morning will be beyond painful, all because of that brief moment…. the moment where I open my eyes, but don’t yet remember that he’s gone…. it’s the dread and ill feeling all over again that he’s not here flooding through my body… that moment between being asleep and awake where for one blissful moment everything is okay and if I close my eyes I can almost believe that he’s sleeping right next to me….but when I open them, I realize that my pain is succinct with my reality, and the love of my life is far far away, gone for too many months to count on one hand.

I’ve heard many military spouses claim that those moment right before they deploy are the hardest.

And while I would agree with that (in theory) – I would also say that there are LOTS of hard moments during deployments (in principle). Ugh.

But…with the hard stuff also comes opportunity. Maybe it’s the athlete in me – or the relentlessly positive bits shining through…. but during each of our previous deployments, we’ve both grown tremendously (in spite of some tough changes)… learned a lot of Life Lessons… and have been fortunate enough to come together after the fact. For a couple in our early 30s, well, I feel pretty lucky.

Oh well. Too much of the serious stuff. Time to go bury my head in more M&Ms. And maybe some wine.

Whine.

Is there really a difference?

And one final thing I’ve learned? I’ve got some pretty awesome and fabulous people in my life – friends and family for whom I am SO grateful. THANK YOU for all the support, calls, texts, emails, and very nice comments – they all mean so much!

Love it while you live it – hug your family and tell the people in your life that you love them.

Last Donut date of 2012, Leucadia Donut Shop style. Love!

On the cusp of our 4th

Lots of change happening in a short time: I must confess – haven’t been great about writing much lately. Oh well – such is life.

The past month in a nutshell:

- 1 sinus infection, 2 peaks over 10,000+ feet bagged, 3 cups of half caf/half decaf coffee per day (the mid-afternoon caffeine headaches are finally gone), 5 different breweries visited during our AWESOME vacation to the Pacific NW (Sound, Elysian, Peaks, Bainbridge Island Brewing, and Slippery Pig), 8 days of pre-deployment vacation – the BEST VACATION EVER – to the Pacific Northwest with the Yank, 6 different forms of transportation utilized to return from said vacation (rental car + ferry + plane + bus + train + taxi = my Dad would be proud), 9 years of marriage celebrated, and a whole lotta other stuff that is just too much to write.

And now… now we are on the cusp of combat deployment # 4. It feels very surreal that my time with the Yank is limited to days and hours – watching him pack is always hard. Yes – this is the life that we lead…. but it’s not always easy. This deployment just feels different. I mean – they ALL are different, regardless of destination. But in lieu of everything that has happened over the past two years – it’s hard to let N go. This one is especially painful.

For now – we eat sushi tonight, drink lots of Pizza Port beer, and enjoy our time together. That’s all that I can really ask for at this point.

Love it while you live it -

I think this is NOT regulation, even though I fit into his bags.

Making sure the bags have met weight requirements – on second thought, don’t pack me.

From the bottom of the whiskey glass

~ Bullet Point Style ~

…because that’s just how it’s going to be as it’s been eons since my last post.

• My semester is OVER! No more photoshop projects or photography assignments due. The lack of deadlines feels slightly weird, but not unwelcome. And besides, it’s just in time for my summer work with the San Diego County Animal Services – I’m working as a feline photographer to help promote and adopt cute and adorable kitties. Sigh. The first goal – is to help awesome kitties get adopted. The second goal – to not adopt any myself.

But with a look like this, um… it’s hard to NOT feel a tug at my heart strings:

        ……or this ~

     Like I said – we’ve got TWO kitties already and I refuse to become a crazy cat lady. Help them get adopted to loving homes? YES. Cat Hoarder – NO.

• Getting ready for upcoming deployment #4. I bought deli meat from the store yesterday, and the expiration date was after the Yank is expected to leave. Lovely. Just part of the military life, I suppose.

• Final concert weekend with the La Jolla Symphony for our 2011-2012 season! FREE Friday dress rehearsal from 7-10, Saturday concert at 7:30, and Sunday we perform at 2 pm – Mandeville Auditorium on the campus of UCSD. It should be GOOD – the Firebrand is really growing on me, even though there’s a section in the fifth movement that I have NO hope of playing – it’s still a really cool piece. The Barber Piano Concerto reminds me of Indiana Jones, and overall I’m excited! It’s been a great season, and in spite of my missed notes and the occasional odd look from our conductor, I love playing. Looking forward to 2012-2013 season!

• Still a little sad – but resigned – to not being outside in the full sun. I think this will be a lifelong grapple. Even something as sipping coffee outside – shade is my friend and if there’s none to be found, I’m inside. But it could be worse – right?

• Speaking of the Yank… we went hiking last week to our local (but far) mountains. The Lagunas are always awesome – no mountain lions to be found, lots of awesome views, and a post-hike beer at Alpine Beer Company with my best friend…. what’s not to love?

On the road

Garnet overlook – Anza Borrego Desert in the background… fantastic!

Hey! Someone tampered and removed the USGS marker. I believe that’s a $250 fine. Ugh. First time seeing this – so I guess it does happen.

I love this guy! And post-hike beer is always fantastic.

Memorial Day Tribute

 

Dealer 54: WWNF!

Once in a while

I was driving along the ocean the other day, and in typical SoCal weather – it was gorgeous. The May Grey had cleared out, bringing in blue skies, bright sunshine, turquoise water, and warm sands. I could see the cars vying for parking along the PCH, and the crowds were slowly building on the shores – brightly colored beach umbrellas and towels, matched with colorful swimsuits, cover-ups, flip flops, and board shorts. Surfers jogged towards the ocean, boards propped over their heads, and though it was only 11 am, I could already tell it was going to be a beautiful day. Missing the green arrow from the PCH to Tamarak wasn’t all that bad – with the jeep idling waiting for my turn signal, windows rolled down and cars driving past – I could still feel the ocean breeze, hear the waves as they crashed ashore.

I wanted to go.

It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted something so much… an insatiable yearning to be outside, toes in the sand, feeling the warmth of sun on my skin, the salty ocean in my hair. I remember how hot the sand would get, cooling off with water and diet coke from the cooler – and when the blue skies and hot sun were too much, running into the ocean, feeling the swell – the push pull of the waves – tasting the salt, it was marvelous. Life in its simplest form, yet completely fulfilling.

My current reality is very different.

And usually I’m pretty good about focusing on what I CAN do, remembering all the things I’m capable of, and otherwise adapting in creative ways. I focus on photography and music, spend time with amazing friends and the Yank when he’s around, throw myself into various projects around work/school, etc and try to stay as healthy and active as I can. I find creative ways of covering up… long UV protecting sleeves, hats, and kerchiefs. I wear fingerless gloves on hikes, long pants ALWAYS, and of course – compression socks. It’s not always pretty, but it’s the compromise I make in order to do (some of) the things I want to do.

With that in mind – I was just really sad. Constantly wanting to do something, to be someone that – let’s be honest – that I’m just NOT anymore is really sad. Like – heartbreaking.

It sounds so superficial – but I would just like one day ONE DAY where I could feel normal. No am and pm medication, where I  would NOT have to cover up, and I could go compression-sock free. Where my skin wouldn’t burn when exposed to the sun… not just sun burn, but break out in angry red hives that leave me prickly and painful, and long term can make me really really sick.  I wouldn’t have to worry about my knees and arthritis while running… I wouldn’t be worried about my PT/INR and too-thin blood – so biking would actually be enjoyable. I would enter a race -any race – because racing makes me feel alive and it’s just what I know, who I am. I would wear a summery dress and flip flops – to hell with my my body, sunlight, and post-DVT leg. And the things I do wouldn’t have to be tailored around the horrible, fucked-up, cruel, occasionally-soul-sucking lupus that I have.

In thinking about this post, I was trying to find a picture of me at the beach pre-lupus. I couldn’t – it’s been that long and my old pictures and files are on an external hard drive.

I never thought I would have to think about something like this. But life changes and before we know it, we’ve walked in a completely different direction… off trail and in unfamiliar territory. The truth of the matter – this IS my reality and I’m still finding my way. Some days I’m okay, and other days it just really bothers me. I guess this was one of those days. I try to keep my rants not so, um, rant-ish. Oh well -

N’s flight was cancelled today, so he’s coming home tomorrow. Naturally.

Love it while you live it – please. Because you never know when it will be gone.

 

Round 1 – complete!

Well – round 1 of finals are COMPLETE. Both Photoshop and Photography exams took place yesterday – final projects are due next week. I’m not worried about the photography bit – that’s been completed for a while now. The Photoshop project… er…. I’m still not panicking, sort of. Exams were fine – well the photography exam was fine. Photoshop – let’s just say that in the beginning of the final I totally forgot to convert all of my images into smart objects… so at the end when checking my work, everything looks slightly pixelated when blown up.

Oops.

Nothing says I feel awesome! after sitting a 3.5 hour photoshop final, when at the end you realize your image is pixelated because of an omission 3.5 hours before.

FUCK.

Oh well – while I definitely wasn’t feeling like a Smart Object, I will NEVER EVER forget to convert my images into Smart Objects. Post-exam nachos + beer with a friend and fellow Gunfighter spouse was exactly what was needed.

Today… I’m NOT DOING ANY PHOTOSHOP work. Period. The gym + a long drive in the open-air jeep with H to check out a horse farm in Ramona for her daughter’s birthday party sounds super. I love living in Southern California, and any opportunity to escape to the mountains (even the low-lying ones) is welcomed. If N were here, the jeep would be at work with him – so this seems like a good trade-off. He’s back Sunday, and I can’t wait.

Though I gripe about Photoshop, I really DO love my class and have learned SO MUCH. Final website project due next week, and I guarantee that Smart Objects will be utilized. Yeah.

Have a great weekend – GOOD LUCK to my triathlete friends who are racing!

the elixir of the gods.

best study place. ever.

NOT ready for launch (photoshop practice)- not without Smart Objects. Just take it away.

practicing my “panning” with Shitty Kitty and the Lazer Pointer. Awesome.

more elixir of the gods

My gym… where I’m headed RIGHT NOW.

The one with no pictures. Almost.

There’s a lot going on, and I’m in a time crunch…. but isn’t that  always the case? Um…. that’s totally called life.

First up : La Jolla Symphony – and my *awesomeness* at sight reading Stravinsky’s Firebrid .

I didn’t know how bad it would be…. so in this case ignorance truly was bliss. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then the looks that our conductor sent my way spoke volumes. Generally I’m pretty okay at sight-reading, but missing last week’s first rehearsal combined with the fact that this pieces was an entity all to itself…. I foresee lots of practice time in the future. Wow. just wow. I kept mistakenly calling it “Firebrand”, but I’m pretty sure (at this point) – what I attempted to play last night and my idea of a Firebrand are one and the same.

I’ll get ‘em next week.

Second: Finals. Yes, you read that correctly, finals.

It’s been years since I took a final exam in anything. My college career ended in 2003, and with a few “fun” classes taken at whatever community college we’ve lived near since then – well, I’m definitely feeling the pressure. I still contend that I picked the wrong Wisco major, and although I love history and am grateful for the skills acquired through my B.A. course load – photography and digital media are just cool. And even in my free time, when I’m NOT doing xyz, I still reach for the camera or computer to edit. I love this stuff – just love it.

And if the lesson that I learn is that it took 10 years post-college to really figure out which direction I want my life to head (while working under the fuck you lupus and military spouse (so sometimes fuck you military) constraints) – well that’s okay.

But I’m still slightly panicked about finals. Yeah – I know I’ll get ‘em done…. But the final Photoshop project is to create a website. This is slightly panicky – just because I’ve never built my own website (per se). Sort of like playing Firebrand.

Third: Home Alone. Again.

The Yank headed out to DC for some sort of aviation conference for a week. I don’t really mind too much, and although I miss him, it gives me plenty of opportunity to study and practice on my own. At weird hours…. and not get the I’m-home-what’s-for-dinner look. Bah. I hate that look – and question!

Fourth: Argyle Compression Socks.

From my friend Agnes – THANK YOU! They made my day…. and seriously – who doesn’t love blue argyle socks?

Five: Haircut + chemical alterations.

It’s been 4-months since my last trim – yep, I’m definitely growing my hair out. Last year’s bang fiasco still haunts me (well everything in July 2011 was awful. Bah humbug).  I suppose this is the anti-bang retaliation. The chemical alterations – well, it’s to give my natural blond a boost – my lack of time in the sun because of lupus has left me highlight-less… so this is my alteration. Sort of like wearing cowboy boots over compression socks (in a totally weird but connected way). At least blue argyle make them fun – just like the highlights.

Six: Okay – one picture (pre cut).

Photoshop finals practice…. I’m working on my masking and ability to take a single selection from an image (without destroying the rest of the pixels) and a placing it elsewhere. The black and white ads an artistic twist. The left side looks much better than the right – for some reason I had a harder time with the stuff on the right side. But as I’ve already completed the book exercises, why not work with some of my own? Or in this case – a random shot that N took last weekend. Peanut Butter Cups are THE BEST.

The before:

Giant PB cup in downtown Carlsbad – love!

And the after: (Okay – so two pictures)

Hello masking tool – we need more practice!

…aaaand it’s back to studying. Gym + class later today. Then more study and some whine and wine time with M. Probably less wine, more whine (and no questions about dinner)- and then back to homework. Suffice today is NOT the day to go off caffeine – the 1/2 caf. coffee is good. And starting to kick in. Have a great day everyone!

Light Graffiti, Military Spouse Day, and the dreaded “D” – disappointment

In yesterday’s photography class, we had the opportunity to play around with lights and various lighting techniques – referred to as “Light Graffiti”. The technique involves a long camera exposure, a dark space, and a creative use of lights (led, christmas tree, flashlight – pretty much anything that gives off light). The sky is pretty much the limit on this one.

Though I’ve worked a LOT with my tripod and have had many night-time sessions with my camera, I haven’t really spent any time in a dark studio. Arriving 10 minutes late to class was probably the best thing I could have done…. everyone else had already set up their tripods, paparazzi-style (5-feet off the ground and trained on the subject), and not wanting to be rude, I stayed lower – close to the ground and out of the way. I figured that I’m in this position a lot when I’m working as a wedding videographer for Classic Filmworks – some of those shots turn out okay.

60-minutes later, the young whippersnappers in the class were just warming up – with our instructor out of the studio, people had some, ah, very creative ideas for lights and what sort of shapes could be made with them. As my legs were cramped from crouching, I politely excused myself. No need for a 30-something in the room – I don’t usually blush behind the lens, and this seemed like a good opportunity to edit my proofs.

Also – Happy Military Spouse Day! I’ve been fortunate enough to be a military spouse for nearly 9 years….I don’t really know what to say – lots of stuff going through my head on that one. Some of the best times ever – but coupled with some of the worst. I’ve made some of the BEST friends ever, have experienced things I never thought I would. Through it all, I’ve been with N – the love of my life – and, well, I love him. These aren’t my words – but I like what they say:

Yep… this pretty much describes it.

As for the dreaded “D” – disappointment. Ah – if only it were as easy as setting a shutter speed and aperture. Sometimes I feel disappointed in general – with my health and how my body is slowly letting me down (fuck you lupus), or how people behave and the hurtful things they do, or even society in general (do NOT get me started on politics). The recent 61% majority decision in North Carolina to pass an Amendment banning gay marriage and civil union, is another example of disappointment.

I saw thin on FB the other day – not my photo, but TOTALLY worth sharing

Okay – so I got started on politics. Sorry.

Recently a friend told me that perhaps it’s not them, maybe it’s me. Perhaps my standard is different or my ideals a little too high – lower the bar and I won’t be hurt. I’ve always hoped that people would do the right thing at the right time (even when no one is looking) – because it’s just the right thing to do, and tried to live my life by treating others how I would wish to be treated. I’m definitely not perfect, but I think I have a pretty big heart. Maybe if I adjust my expectations (with my health… with people….with humanity in general) I won’t experience as much disappointment – which is a pretty bitter pill to swallow and downright depressing when you think about it.

I’m still thinking about it.

Then again – in the state of North Carolina where it’s legal to marry one’s first cousin, should I really be surprised at a gay marriage ban? Nah. I don’t expect much from that state anyway (and I’ve lived there when N was stationed at Cherry Point).

Tonight it’s a dress rehearsal for Carmen, and concerts all weekend. And I AM looking forward to that!

In the meantime – I should probably just:

And focus on:

Except in the state of North Carolina, that is.

Ugh.

I really liked all the lights – but I thought the pictures looked much more interesting in black and white… I think I’m just partial to that medium. A few more of my favorites – enjoy and thanks for reading!