Well – the added stress and lack of solid sleep have finally caught up with me. Bah Humbug! Aside from blotchy, bright red skin – I’m feeling a deep-seeded fatigue and even thinking about leaving the house is exhausting. I cancelled physical therapy and wiped today’s schedule clear. I can’t risk getting really ill. Rest is the best option, for now. I DO need to practice and do some violin work…as we have a major sectional rehearsal tomorrow and – quite frankly – I’d like to hit as many notes as possible. Combine that with an upcoming audition in a few weeks….so violin work, it is.
But seriously – I feel like I raced Ironman, except for the wrecked-quad feeling. Bracing myself between the bathroom walls while lowering myself onto the commode was never very fun.
On our bright side – my Yank wasn’t selected for the FAC tour. He received some Major support, and we are both so appreciative. A good friend and fellow military spouse told me, “There’s a right way, a wrong way, and the military way.” She’s absolutely, 100%, totally and utterly right (even though that reasoning makes me want to tear out my hair). Throughout this process, I received a lot of support from friends and family – and for that I’m grateful.
The Yank was extremely nervous about this potential assignment, and in turn I did all I could to support him. Obviously the ‘waiting’ and ‘not knowing’ bits were challenging – but, a big part of my struggle was in how isolated from N I felt. Granted, he was having a hard enough time doing his own thing, was a bear to be around, and the past 10 days have been some of his worst – the last thing he needed was to be there for me. I feel selfish for writing this, but I dealt with my own struggles. I was scared as well – I could have used a sympathetic shoulder from him. This would have affected the BOTH of us, not just him. Sometimes its hard to give so much of yourself and your emotions, with so little (if anything) in return. But I absolutely understand that he was in a place where he just couldn’t be there for me the way I needed, and I was hesitant to burden him with my own fears. But he knows I’m upset – hopefully things will be better.
And I feel like a totally jerk for even admitting that – because it has NOT been easy for him. But it hasn’t been easy for either of us.. and I love him and only want the best – seeing him hurt, makes me hurt. I’m human too.
The flip side of this – N’s good friend WAS selected, and my heart goes out to him and his wife. It’s sort of hard to be happy about something, when that happiness is in conjunction with someone else’s misery and misfortune.
The jury is still out. Hopefully things will get better – on the happy and healthy front. That would be SUPER!
In the mean time, there has been some suspicious activity involving a solitary rose in our house. I think I found the culprit, and now understand the “how”. But…. why?