*Quick note – haven’t felt great lately…have been going through some tough stuff and bad health. But I so very much appreciate all of the wonderful emails, calls, texts and friendship from so many of you. Thank you!
Life has felt a bit tumultuous lately. Even though it’s not a photograph, well – I painted it myself and it’s a true representation of what/how I feel.
Okay, so it’s a little dramatic. But still – it is what it is.
As a result, I’ve self-medicated to the best of my ability.
Recently I discovered a new favorite beer – yes, I will always always love Belgian Gold Ales. BUT….. Flemish Sour his the spot. So between N’s bitter IPA and my Sour – we make a good team.
And – to my disappointment – I’ve discovered a lot about human nature that I DON’T like. Some stuff is just too personal to write. Other stuff – well, it’s too mean and wouldn’t really serve a purpose. And even though this is my writing and my blog, I never want to deliberately hurt other people. In the past I’ve tried to (constantly) remind myself that people are doing the best they can with what they have AND with what they know how. Sadly – I no longer believe that. In the past month I’ve learned that some are just out for themselves, for their own selfish satisfaction, and don’t care who they hurt in the process. Unfortunately, this has been the most difficult bit…. it’s changed how I see human nature and look at life.
It’s changed who I am.
Adding insult to injury, I’ve still got that bang thing going on. Clearly – I love it.
Through everything this past month, I’ve been plagued with a horrible lupus flare. Feeling like crap about Life Stuff hasn’t really helped my illness, and two weeks ago I found myself barely able to get out of bed. Blood tests confirmed major lupus activity and I’ve been on steroids ever since. My Moon Face will fit in well with my sour beer and bangs.
Being sick – I mean really REALLY sick – these past two weeks has forced me to sit and take stalk in some stuff that IS amazing. I’m grateful for steroids – they have given me the ability to get my ass off the couch. But not the performance enhancing kind – obviously. I’m also grateful for Xanax – it has taken the ‘roid rage away and kept me from becoming a raging bitch (which I’ve also felt like at times). The bangs do NOT help .I’ve spent a lot of time curled up on our deck chairs, wrapped in my favorite grey blanket. Sometimes reading, or re-reading the same line five times over before I’ve noticed. Other times – I’ve just sat and watched Mother Nature do her thing. There’s been a lot of humming bird activity lately – and I think one was as curious about me as I was it. Or maybe it just fell asleep while I snapped a few shots. Regardless – I had a friend.
I’m also grateful for my friends – you know who you are. Even though this photo was taken in Yosemite NP last September, there have been a few people who have supported me MORE than I ever thought possible, during this incredibly challenging time. You know who you are, what you’ve done, and the difference in my life you’ve made. I would have needed MUCH more sour beer and Xanax if it weren’t for you.
After a week of steroids, I felt strong enough to head out for an easy hike that promised great views. I guess it’s always why I’ve loved Ironman – by putting one foot in front of the other….. you don’t focus on the Shit of Life – you just take things one step at a time. You work hard, keep your head down – and you can achieve amazing things. And the view at the top – even though I’ve seen it many times, in a way this is the FIRST time I’ve seen it….first time with lupus/arthritis/changed perception of people/knee surgery/taking medicine that saves my life because I don’t have any other options – it was a lot to take in.
Wow – that’s a little too deep, even for me. Obviously it’s a lot to take in. But even though Shit happens – the sun will continue to rise and fall…the stars will dance slowly across the night’s sky…the ocean waves will continue to kiss the sand, and I know that life will move forward – sour beer, bangs, shit people and all.
And finally – last weekend, the Yank and I decided to go out. Date night – if you may. I figured….. perhaps – steroids and all – if I can make myself look as smokin’ hot as possible – ie pull one of those “minds over matter” situations – if I can make myself look GREAT, maybe I’ll be able to feel better as well. I have to say – MoonFace aside, this latest flare has taken away my appetite, so skinny jeans and clothes that I don’t normally wear actually fit. And it worked – we had a great date and I felt half-decent. Cute, even. And if that’s what I take away from all of this – that on days where I feel like Total Shit and down on humanity – throw on a cute pair of shoes and summery dress, and the world (even though it hasn’t changed and there are still Shit People everywhere) doesn’t look quite as bad. And I can get through one more day.