Well – it’s official.
Yesterday my doctor ordered additional testing on my right leg, and the subsequent ultrasound revealed the presence of blood clots.
-crickets- -crickets- -crickets-
The Good News:
– We found the clots before they zig-zagged through my body.
– I’m aware that getting my PT/INR tested and being CONSISTENT with my green/Vitamin K foods is vital. Too many veggies + not enough Coumadin = lower PT/INR levels and the formation of clots.
– I’m not squeamish about giving myself shots
– NO hospital stay!
– Forced rest (NO working out, no elevated heart rate, no hiking, running, gym, swimming – NOTHING to increase my blood pressure) for 14 days = TONS of time for Photoshop, photo editing, homework. curling up with the House Monsters, violin practice, and hanging out with my parents (who are in town for 10 days – yay!). It also means I can get caught up on Shit TV, which will be essential to NOT thinking about how scary my clotting disorder really is.
– I ate a tube of cookie dough last night as a coping mechanism, most of it guilt-free.
– After staring at my feet for an hour, I painted my toes bright red. I think I’ll switch colors every day.
– After 14 days, I get to start wearing Compression Socks again. I am going to order some really cool ones, this time. And I’m open to suggestions!
– I have a lot of very nice friends and people in my life whom I love – thank you for the support!
– I AM ALIVE!
The Bad News:
– Cankles. Fat feet. Fluid retention. Whatever you want to call it – I’m going to have one massive, motherfucking cankle in the next day or two. Totally normal, given the blood clots…and I’m prepared. But it’s still fff-ugly. Wearing compression socks with soft clot in your system is NOT good, as any sort of constriction could send said clots whizzing up into the important nether regions of one’s body. So I’ll elevate to the best of my ability – and while in public, wear pants.
– I’ve disconnected from my emotions in an effort to cope with how scared I am. At some point I’m going to have to pull my head out of my rear, and it will be epic. I’m not there yet.
– With no working out or ANY sort of physical activity whatsoever, the tube of cookie dough that I ate last night is going directly to my ass. Along with the wine and other indulgences from the past 36 hours.
– Still having a hard time sleeping – well… falling asleep. The fear of passing a clot and not waking up is very real and tangible. I keep flashing back to 2010, and it’s scary. Clearly I need more cookie dough. Or wine. Sigh.
– Boredom. There is only so much Photoshop, Shit TV, trash magazines, violin, and homework I can do before I feel inclined to run as fast as I can out the front door, screaming and cursing.
– This is my Reality.
All in all, this feels very surreal. Like… I’m not supposed to get MORE clots, especially while on Coumadin. But it also shows that with life – there are NO givens. None. Things are constantly changing, are always in flux, and things that we thought were a given yesterday, are turned upside down today.
I think I’m (clearly) in denial about the latest blood clots. It’s a self-preservation thing, I guess. Maybe denial isn’t the right terminology…. shock? It seems very surreal, and I guess I’m just processing it the best that I can…. and searching for answers. Always searching –
And when the Real Life stuff gets too heavy even for me, I can always turn to Shit TV and cookie dough. Mom and Dad arrive tonight – sometime during my rehearsal. Playing Stravinsky and Beethoven sound like an AMAZING distraction, and getting a hug from the parents is something else to look forward to. Even though they’ve been planning this trip for months, the timing couldn’t be better.
Love it while you live it, folks. And remember – if you EVER have any limb swelling… go directly to the ER. It could save your life.