GOING, Going, gone….

And just like that – *poof* – he’s gone.

It’s very surreal, and hard to put into words. Like… what the hell just happened? And OH MY GAWD – seven plus months is a helluva long fucking time.



There you go.

After dropping him off at the squadron, kissing him good-bye with several “I love you!’s” and finally a farewell “see ya later!” as he boarded the bus- I drove to and spent 90 painful minutes at Whole Foods. Seriously, it was awful. I kept thinking – I should eat something or get totally wasted… but I have NO idea what to eat and waking feeling ill the day after N deploys is never fun (speaking from experience… this IS our 4th rodeo). So…. after thoroughly walking through the store, talking tearfully to my parents, more browsing, occasionally bursting into tears, and finally making my selection (peach salsa + bottle of wine + 2 bottles of soda water + 1 sushi tray) – I realized that I was eating WAY too healthy given the circumstances, and stopped to pick up Peanut Butter M&Ms at Ralph’s before heading home.

Because if it’s one thing I’ve learned – burying my head in a bag of Peanut M&Ms while watching a movie and sipping wine can cure a lot. 

But if it’s another thing I’ve learned – is that tomorrow morning will be beyond painful, all because of that brief moment…. the moment where I open my eyes, but don’t yet remember that he’s gone…. it’s the dread and ill feeling all over again that he’s not here flooding through my body… that moment between being asleep and awake where for one blissful moment everything is okay and if I close my eyes I can almost believe that he’s sleeping right next to me….but when I open them, I realize that my pain is succinct with my reality, and the love of my life is far far away, gone for too many months to count on one hand.

I’ve heard many military spouses claim that those moment right before they deploy are the hardest.

And while I would agree with that (in theory) – I would also say that there are LOTS of hard moments during deployments (in principle). Ugh.

But…with the hard stuff also comes opportunity. Maybe it’s the athlete in me – or the relentlessly positive bits shining through…. but during each of our previous deployments, we’ve both grown tremendously (in spite of some tough changes)… learned a lot of Life Lessons… and have been fortunate enough to come together after the fact. For a couple in our early 30s, well, I feel pretty lucky.

Oh well. Too much of the serious stuff. Time to go bury my head in more M&Ms. And maybe some wine.


Is there really a difference?

And one final thing I’ve learned? I’ve got some pretty awesome and fabulous people in my life – friends and family for whom I am SO grateful. THANK YOU for all the support, calls, texts, emails, and very nice comments – they all mean so much!

Love it while you live it – hug your family and tell the people in your life that you love them.

Last Donut date of 2012, Leucadia Donut Shop style. Love!


7 thoughts on “GOING, Going, gone….

  1. Oh my God that just brought back so many memories my dear woman. I became kind of decensitized over the deployments after all of my dads and uncles while I was a child but it’s still hard to shake. I know exactly how you feel and recognize that pain all too well! Here is a funny story for you that might make you feel a little bit better (at least at the punch line because a majority of the story is just plain jacked): Bill and I were always best friends but we were childhood sweet hearts off and on forever. He was stationed in Bremerton, Washington and agreed to take leave to come home for only three days to accompany me to a wedding. He didn’t bother to tell anyone he was coming until two days before leaving and asked me to arrange the travel arrangements for him with his credit card, so I booked the last minute flights from an airport that was 3 hours away from the wedding venue. Bill flew in the afternoon of the wedding night. I was a bridesmaid. He took a shuttle from the bfe airport to get to the wedding just in time for the reception so he was stuck wearing his dress blues through the wedding even though he hates his uniform. We played and socialized and the father of the bride has a random conversation with Bill.

    Dad: “So what are you guys going to do from here?”

    Bill: “Oh, probably go home and roll around in the sheets for a while.”

    Everyone makes a shocked sound and I’m completely oblivious! I ask him what he said and he refuses to tell me and my girlfriend just laughs at me and tells me months after the fact.

    Well, he stays with me for the next two days trying to see everyone he can in the short amount of time that he is in town. Of course, between seeing his family he can’t really see much of our mutual friends. He and everyone else doesn’t believe me that his 3rd day he has to leave early in the morning for us to beat traffic to get to the bfe airport to catch his flight. He decides to see his brother one more time and I’m hauling ass afterwards to get him back to the airport. We get there and he’s running through the checkpoints and the terminal to watch the plane taxi away. I end up having to drive around to pick him up and take him back home; this time, to stay at his parents house until his stand-by flight goes through.

    His command thought nothing of it because things like that apparently happen all the time (my ass). So he got one more day at home and spent it with his family because the friends apparently couldn’t make time to see him before he was to attention to head off again. I, once again, drove him to the airport, but at the ass crack of dawn this time. We get there and I have the hardest time saying goodbye because our relationship is so confusing at this point in our lives. He was so down that he didn’t see anyone but me and his family the entire weekend. So, of course, I felt like I just wasted his leave time so that he could be my date for my friends wedding.

    Bill fly’s off and I’m driving back home on the 10 freeway going back to San Bernardino County. I’m driving with the flow of traffic just balling my eye balls out thinking that this visit was the last time and I’m most likely never going to see him again. All of the sudden everyone surrounding me is gone and I’m still driving at the rate I was when I was driving with the speed of traffic. Then, all of a sudden, the lights and sirens go off and I pull over on the left side of the freeway instead of the right becasue I’m too busy crying to think. I’m balling my eyes out not even caring what the officer has to say so he’s feeling so awkward that he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He literally throws the ticket at me and leaves within a minute because he couldn’t stand seeing me cry and “had to give me the ticket.” Ha ha!

    The next day I’m at the baseball field playing a pick-up game with those mutual friends of ours that he tried so hard to see. They get into a conversation because a good friend asks why no one saw Bill.

    Me: “He was only here for the weekend to go to a wedding with me.”

    The other gal: “I heard that he flew in from some God aweful airport because some idiot booked his flight so that he had to travel to bfe?”

    Me: “Yeah, that would be me. It was the only airport he could fly into with that short of notice.”

    The other gal: “But I heard some idiot…”

    Me: “Yeah, that was me!”

    The other gal: “But…”

    Me: “THAT WAS ME! He was only supposed to be here to go to the wedding with me…that was it.”

    But yeah, I thought this story might make you feel a little bit better about the situation. I know it can’t compare because I’m not going to mention the things that happen cuz you already know. But I know this incident is definitely a one of a kind. It’s not the same thing as being deployed or going on Westpac or any other tour, etc. but it sure as shit hurts when you’re thinking you’re never going to see them again no matter what.

    Granted, over the years I’ve had lots of chances to lose this guy or hide my tracks and never see him again, but in so many ways Gods always shown and convinced me I’m never getting rid of him :). 18 years later and 3 more months till the wedding and it’ll only be his decisions or God taking him away from me from now on. Kind of humbling….

  2. Marit, I am thinking of you this morning. The first few days are so definitely the hardest. When Andrew deployed to Macedonia, I hid at home and watched all of the Winds of War miniseries. The library on post would only let me borrow three tapes at a time. I did not think of adding wine or peanut M&Ms. That would have made it an even better temporary “antidote”. Lots of hugs your way. Danielle

  3. We love you both so much!!! Our son has left and we wait for his return. Love is all – the glory and the pain; it’s a rainbow, beautiful with two beginnings and two endings – love is always beginning, changing everyday, becoming more vibrant, more intense and more alive. I have learned so much from from you, Marit, that gratitude can not describe my feelings. You have made my life so much more meaningful. And N is a phoenix, and a hero: rising from the ashes to new heights. I think of you two every day.

  4. Your post made me tear up. I just recently lost a love, but for a completely different reason and one that will likely not be back in my life in that capacity again. I can totally relate to the waking up thing! 🙂

    All the best to you two over the next seven months!

  5. 7 months… well, let the countdown begin! My husband and I were only separated for 3 months, but I would smell his pillow case each morning for weeks just to feel like he was near me (I eventually felt compelled to wash the pillow case). I hope your husband stays safe and that your time apart zooms by in a flash. In the meantime, keep blogging…

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