Sometimes it feels like the waiting is just the worst part. And then they leave and you realize that waiting isn’t the worst part; in fact, it’ the entire fucking process that just plain sucks. We are still in a Holding Pattern, so to speak – just waiting. I keep thinking that I want to write about this or that in some way I should share this process, so that the next time we deal with a Deployment, I’ll better remember my thoughts and feelings….I vaguely remember going to Pizza Port last time and the time before that….hiking San Jacinto….and the Laguna Meadows….playing one too many games of Uno and watching British Comedy. But so much else escapes me. I want to remember – because there’s a reassurance that we made it last time and the time before that (and that and that)….we got through everything – tough shit and all. It’s a comforting thought: we did it before and we can do it again.
But then N and I go to Pizza Port or I go hiking or we hang out together on the back patio, and I completely loose track of time. In some ways, I think this is better – instead of chronicling every boring detail, N and I are actually doing stuff, living life, spending time together. Last night we drank the expensive wine – Evans Ranch Pinot Noir was excellent and went great with the kabobs and caprese salad. But overall, I’m trying to keep a good balance because I know that one morning in the not-too-distant future, I’ll wake up on my own. It’s a very surreal and sad feeling/thought/idea, actually. Like – The World and everyone in it keeps going on like nothing is happening, even though a massive change is happening in mine.
And again – I keep reminding myself, that this is normal. And that I’m not the only military spouse to ever deal with this stuff…. that generations upon generations of military families have dealt with absence and deployments and uncertainty and everything that goes with it. We just happen to be on our Fifth Rodeo, which although it doesn’t take away the sting, we’re also pretty good at recognizing our own and each other’s emotions.
So it is what it is – Love it while you live it. I know what I’ve got with N – I don’t have to wait until he’s deployed to realize what a great guy he is, how we just click together, to recognize how truly lucky I am with him in my life, my love… I see and feel that every day and I’m all the better because of him. In that way, we are both really fortunate, because we get to experience this with each other while we’re together and not just realize it when we’re apart. So today we’ll do things we love together and enjoy what time we’ve got left. And there probably will be a Pizza Port date, because that’s just how we roll. Everything else is just icing.